Have you ever wondered why some people seem to thrive under pressure while others crumble? Or why some find purpose in adversity while others feel trapped by it? It all boils down to how we understand and approach suffering. Let’s explore the two types of suffering—unchosen and chosen—and how they shape our ability to navigate life’s challenges.

Unchosen Suffering: When Life Happens to You

Unchosen suffering is the stuff we don’t ask for. It’s life throwing curveballs—an unexpected illness, a tough childhood, or the unfair hand of compounding failures. It’s messy, it’s hard, and, let’s be real, it can feel downright unbearable.

But here’s the thing: what we can’t control, we can still respond to. Psychologists have studied how people cope with these uninvited hardships, and the results are fascinating.

• Locus of Control: People who focus on what they can influence—like their mindset or actions—are better equipped to handle unchosen suffering. Sure, you didn’t choose that rainy day, but you can decide whether to mope or grab an umbrella and keep going.
• Post-Traumatic Growth: Ever noticed how some people emerge stronger after a tragedy? Researchers call this phenomenon PTG, where adversity leads to deeper connections, newfound strength, or a clearer sense of purpose. Viktor Frankl, who survived the Holocaust, showed us that even in the darkest moments, we can find meaning.
• Resilience: Resilience isn’t something you’re born with; it’s built. Supportive relationships, reframing your perspective, and learning how to adapt all play a role in bouncing back. Think of it like a muscle—the more you work it, the stronger it gets.

Chosen Suffering: The Power of Voluntary Struggle

On the flip side, chosen suffering is the pain we willingly embrace. And why would anyone choose to suffer? Because the rewards can be incredible. Whether it’s training for a marathon, sticking to a tough diet, or starting a business, chosen suffering often leads to growth and fulfilment.

• Self-Determination Theory: When you take on challenges that matter to you—ones that make you feel capable, independent, and connected—you’re not just surviving; you’re thriving. It’s why people love the grind of the gym or the discipline of writing a novel.
• Eustress: Unlike the stress that leaves you frazzled, eustress is the good kind. It’s the buzz you feel before a big presentation or during a challenging workout. This kind of stress pushes you without breaking you, leading to personal growth.
• Growth Mindset: Ever heard someone say, “Failure is just another step to success”? That’s the growth mindset in action. When you see chosen suffering as a chance to learn and improve, setbacks become stepping stones.
• Delayed Gratification: Think of the famous Marshmallow Experiment—kids who resisted eating one marshmallow to get two later were more successful in life. Chosen suffering works the same way: short-term pain, long-term gain.

The Magic of Mixing the Two

Chosen suffering doesn’t just make you stronger—it makes unchosen suffering more bearable. The two are deeply connected, and embracing one can help you navigate the other.

• Stress Inoculation Training: Think of this as “suffering practice.” By exposing yourself to manageable stress—like taking cold showers or pushing through a tough workout—you’re better prepared for life’s bigger challenges.
• Reframing Adversity: When you’ve willingly endured discomfort, unchosen hardships feel less overwhelming. That icy rainstorm? Not so bad after running miles in it by choice. The same principle applies to emotional resilience—choosing struggle makes it easier to face what you didn’t choose.

Why It All Matters

At the heart of it, suffering isn’t something to run from; it’s something to embrace. Both unchosen and chosen suffering have a role in shaping who we are and what we value.

• Take Back Control: Chosen suffering gives you agency. It’s your way of saying, “I may not control everything, but I control this.”
• Strengthen Your Core (Literally and Figuratively): Just like lifting weights builds muscle, taking on challenges builds emotional and psychological resilience. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
• Find Meaning in the Pain: Both types of suffering teach us something—about ourselves, about others, and about life. They remind us that pain isn’t pointless; it’s part of the process.

TLDR;

So, how do you apply all this? Start small. Pick a challenge—a tough workout, a creative project, or even a daily gratitude practice. Let it be hard. Let it stretch you. And when life inevitably throws its unchosen challenges your way, you’ll be ready. After all, suffering isn’t the enemy. It’s the making of you.

[NB. All images created using MidJourney]